Alright Girls and Boys, buckle up, because for this blog post, we will be delving into the murky and treacherous waters of the personal and love life for one Mr. Isaiah W. Ogren, and specifically, what drove me to delete half of my social media profiles and wander into the digital wilderness.
Before I proceed, allow me to elaborate on how I view the social media ecosystem. I believe that we can all intuit that Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter are never used in a vacuum and that the identities we construct on these various platforms are never divorced from each other. This is explicit in Facebook’s acquisition of Instagram, as well as the multitude of ways that they cannibalize each others ideas, desperate to chisel out a few hundredths of a percent greater market share. The story feature on facebook and instagram (stolen from snapchat), features to save and later edit and share pictures on a snapchat story (stolen from instagram), live streaming on facebook (stolen from periscope/twitter) and of course, the ad driven business model accompanied by ever more sophisticated algorithms that everyone more or less stole from Facebook are all examples of the ever more tangled web that silicon valley is weaving. But who is it doing the deceiving? Well, the Russians certainly are, for starters. They clearly understand that an ecosystem is a work, and that you must play on all of the parts in harmony for maximum social effect.
Okay, if we have established that technologically, social media is integrated, and that we cannot really separate out the influence and power of each of the platforms, then it stands to reason that any claims that our behavior on individual platforms is not shaped by this ecosystem. We are not different people on twitter than we are on facebook. This may seem intuitive, but in practice, it seems that people are constantly trying to curate their social media so that they can be different people on different platforms. Let's look at a couple of those ways for a moment.
Multiple and private accounts. The advent of the ‘finsta’ or a separate instagram account where followership is heavily controlled, unflattering pictures can be posted, grievances aired, intelligence exchanged, etc is a significant one. Of all of the social media platforms, instagram places the highest premium on curation and discriminating photography. I call the virtue (or vice, depending on how you look at it) of instagram to be nostalgia. Instagram gives us highly processed memories to look back upon with incredible speed. As soon as something has happened, it is pristinely documented and ready to be gazed upon with rose-filtered glasses. The finsta counters this, and creates another layer of private interaction on top of all of the revisionist history that already going on. In other words, we are trying to be different people on different platforms, or even on the same platform.
Controlling followership. Many people who follow me on facebook don't follow me on twitter, and vice versa. This makes good sense, since the platforms have different virtues. For facebook, connection is the virtue of choice. For twitter, outrage. I am guilty of this differentiation as well. I don't want my grandparents (who I am facebook friends with) to see what I tweet, if only because my tweets might not make lots of sense to them and I don't want to field questions all the time. However, you can link your facebook and twitter to post on Facebook every time you tweet. Push and pull, push and pull. As we try to control who sees our posts, we are slowly pulled ever closer to a fully integrated epicenter, where everything looks different, but is exactly the same.
Okay, so how in Odin’s name does any of this relate? I have argued that despite attempts to be different people on different platforms, there are powerful forces of convergence at work that serve to universalize and flatten out our digital presence. This is where the money is at, plain and simple. The difficulty that this convergence binds us in relationships online that are almost impossible to extract oneself from with tact. I was treated to a unpleasant illustration of this when I broke up with my girlfriend.
To begin with, there was no initial acrimony, just the stress of a long distance relationship proving to be too much. Immediately after, a questions rears its digital head: what do I keep up on public platforms? Which instagram pictures remain. Because there was no great acrimony, it was almost as if there was a mourning period immediately after the breakup where anyone who interacted with me in real life knew, but for all digital intents and purposes, my girlfriend and I were still together. After a suitable (or at least I thought it was suitable) period of time, I took down pictures of us together from my instagram. Within a day, I received a very angry email, wherein my former girlfriend explained that her valuation of me had decreased with the deletion of our pictures together. In a perplexing way, my greatest transgression was to create a digital separation, as opposed to the physical and emotional separation I had created approximately 6 weeks prior. The arterial forces of convergence that pulled my former partner’s and my social media profiles together in referential and tagged posts, tweets, and pictures could not be severed in the privacy of a conversation, but were exposed for all to see. Rending at the public web of digital connections turned out to be the most painful part for her, even if I ultimately viewed it as necessary.
Before I proceed to a normative statement or two, I want to add a disclaimer. The feelings of my ex are totally valid. I told her that. I apologized and asked if there were ways I could be more tactful about digital house cleaning/hygiene in the future. I am not delegitimizing her pain. It hurt for me as well, even if it was ‘worth it’ to me to digitally seperate where it wasn't for her. That shit hurts, as anyone from any century can tell you. However, it is also concerning.
To begin with, I felt pressure to pretend that there wasn't real separation and pain for the purposes of digital pretension. I think this is undesirable, and prevents people from doing legitimate emotional processing and healing. When relationships of any nature rupture, there is emotional shrapnel, and to refuse to remove it is folly. Hand in hand with this is the pressure to continuing seeing, and/or interacting with someone you’ve had a falling out with online. This is particularly relevant after the termination of a romantic relationship, but also applies to racist uncles and obnoxious cousins the world over. In the case of family members, a bandaid of digital interaction can also obscure genuine need for reconciliation.
In essence, there is pressure to defer private reflection and healing in favor of public digital pretension. I am of the opinion that this is bad. Lest the strength of my convictions be doubted, I deleted Instagram and snapchat for good after getting that email from my ex-girlfriend. It was my way of respecting her desire to not feel humiliation of public reckoning with our seperation, and also give me a way out. Since, I use facebook for work and not much else. I still use twitter, but mostly as an observer. It took an emotionally charged event to realize the extent to which I had been pulled into an ecosystem that is both intrusive and voyeuristic be design. It was changing the way I evealuated relationships, and moreover, their portrayal. I decided I wanted out, and am better for it. That is the only prescription I have. We are going to have to become more emotionally intelligent creatures, more adept at distinguishing between what we post and who we are, or we are going to have to opt out. I am not sure which is easier.