Perhaps one of my greatest personal quandaries in my life thus far has been a question of whether I consider my history of prescribed medicine something that has truly constructed my identity or at least played a significant part in doing so.
I had a hard time with my childhood. I believe that this is what caused my first major breakdown in 6th grade. It began with seeing the school nurse, then the school psychologist, and then eventually several independent psychologists and psychiatrists up until about a year ago. After a few consultations with my first primary psychologist and psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with severe depression, general anxiety disorder, ADD, and prevalent signs of other disorders. Of course, I was prescribed with my first medicines then, in 6th grade. It became an enormously tiresome cycle of trying out different medicines for 6 months, changing doses, switching between other ones, choosing between which possible side effects I thought I could handle if I ended up reacting to them, ensuring that one prescription didn't interfere seriously with another one and so on.
And so, in the journey of it all, I'm left wondering if I would be the same person I am today without this experience. If it's not obvious through my blunt, succinct language in describing my history with prescriptions, I will say that it was not a favorable experience and to this day I am hesitant to speak about it as if it played a role in truly constructing my identity. It's hard to say because:
1.) I was prescribed drugs at such a young, impressionable age
2.) The people around me would unknowingly reinforce the idea that I needed medicine to make me more "myself." They would tell me, "you're not you when you're like this."
3.) The older I became, the more I started to question things for myself and be more attentive to what I felt that I needed.
4.) Undeniably, I would not have been able to come back to a state of mental clarity after severe emotional episodes without my prescriptions (or is this what I have been conditioned to believe?)
Sure, the doctors, professionals, my caretakers, and several other family members all believed in my need for medicine to "balance and regulate chemical imbalances in my brain," but how is that something they could prove was/is actually happening? How could my psychologist and psychiatrist truly know I had a such a serotonin imbalance that I needed exactly 20 mg of Lexapro. But when that seemed to not work as anticipated, 100 mg of Wellbutrin twice a day. With more frequent anxiety attacks, 25mg of Zoloft, but then onto 40mg of Prozac months later? That after I started having energy deficiencies after starting the antidepressants, I would ALSO need 30mg of the stimulant Vyvanse? Then after beginning to experience sleep problems, presumably because of the stimulant and/or the combined effect of all my meds, I would ALSO need to take 10 mg of Ambien every night? How could they determine these things with such an impeccable sense of confidence just based on a couple survey-styled consultations? By me filling out a piece of paper with smiley-face ratings for each surface-level question? What legitimized this gray-area of trial and error? So maybe a more relevant question would be, what could I have done instead of going down this seemingly endless rabbit hole had I been equipped with the much greater sense of self awareness and determination that I have today? And what kept me from reaching the point of taking the reins of own personal health for so long in the first place?
I knew the breaking point for me was when I discovered that Ambien has a high risk of causing severe memory loss. I was tired of how much it felt like a giant gamble, which I am very well aware of now that this is the reality for countless people who are being prescribed medicines. I finally took myself seriously in saying that I didn't feel good about taking medicine and that I didn't want to be dependent on meds any longer. And I made the point to my parents, the main people who were resistant to the idea of me tapering off my medicine, that there were other ways that I could maintain my health, moreover, improve my health. I don't identify with my diagnosis, and I never have. But the most frustrating thing for me is that I was socially conditioned to feel like prescriptions were the only solution to my problems, and that I had no way of telling whether this was the truth or not. Would I know the world of big pharma and medicine as it stands to me today without having the experience that I did? Would I know myself and my identity the way I do without it?
I found your post really intriguing. My older brother had a similar experience when he was in elementary school. My parents were called into the principal's office and told that he was hyperactive and disruptive to class. She continued to say that he would obviously never be going to college and would probably end up as a drug addict. My parents were obviously extremely worried. Her recommendation was to put him on ADD/ADHD medicine (I am not sure what specifically).
ReplyDeleteBecause of the medicine, he became depressed as a kid in third grade. Relatively quickly, they took him off of the medicine. Soon after, they discovered that he is dyslectic. After understanding what was the root cause of the trouble, he went on to graduate high school and college.
The problem with the so-called "science" of the mind is that they do not perform physical testing to determine what is wrong. The "testing" is performed by asking questions of the patient and having them answer. The brain is much too complex to be simplified in this manner! I am a firm believer in the hard sciences such as chemistry, physics, biology, etc. However, the soft sciences have significant room for improvement as far as their scientific technique.
Thank you for sharing your story Jasmine. I also agree with Devon's comment. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression within a twenty minute appointment. How could he have been so certain that what I was experiencing was due to a serotonin deficiency? There is room for improvement with diagnosing mental health conditions. But is the flaw in the health care system or is it in the science? Serration levels can be detected in the blood, but most practitioners prescribe mediation without conducting any tests, at least in my experience.
ReplyDeleteI also thought your comment about possibly being conditioned to think you be or feel a certain way was interesting. What is normal or abnormal? How do we decided?
This is a gift to us all. Not that easy to share, but really worth it.
ReplyDelete